SOURCE: The Daily Mash
TONE: Thoroughly satirical
THEME: English self-loathing following a humiliating 4-1 World Cup defeat at German hands
PREREQUISITE BACKGROUND KNOWLEDGE: The English team also, technically, scored a second goal. The ball bounced over the line but was then hauled back, reigniting debate about video replays.
THUS, THE THESIS: Video replays are good. They help determine just how awful the English team really is.
OR, MORE COLORFULLY:

The use of television has been a source of controversy in the sport, but experts insist it offers a fool-proof method for determining whether a team is good at football or whether it is simply a collection of absurdly over-compensated, second-rate commercial brands with ghastly, vulgar wives, locked in a sado-masochistic relationship with a cretinous media that merely reflects a society that has taken its natural intelligence, its sense of perspective and its values and violently drowned them all in a bucket of piss.

REFERENCES TO 'SLASH[ING] ... ACROSS THE ARSE WITH A MACHETE': 1
REFERENCES TO 'PAUL THE PSYCHIC OCTOPUS': 1
NUMBER OF GOALS GERMANY COULD HAVE SCORED: 290
AND A FINAL STAB AT ENGLAND'S SLUGGISH DEFENSE:

Meanwhile, central defender John Terry finally arrived back in England's 18-yard box last night only to find that everyone else had gone home.

He eventually got out of the stadium after climbing over a fence.

Want to add to this story? Let us know in comments or send an email to the author at hhorn at theatlantic dot com. You can share ideas for stories on the Open Wire.
Heather Horn