AUTHOR: Simon Doonan at Slate

LENGTH: 807 words

THESIS: For decades, style has been getting steadily more outrageous. Now, the "Fashion Apocalypse" is upon us.

PROPOSED ACTION: To cover this "dire-but-compelling state of affairs on a biweekly basis," hopefully eliciting laughter

EVIDENCE OF THE APOCALYPSE: "sockless Brooklyn hipsters with Edwardian moustaches [who] make artisanal pickles" and "desperate office chicks" wildly buying handbags and shoes

ON THOSE LAMBOUTIN SHOES: The heels "are so high that they would previously have been worn only by a woman who was lying on her back wearing nothing but the pumps in question and a ball-gag"

SEE SLATE ALLITERATE: "terrifying, titillating, tumultuous ... gloriously glam-obsessed ... deliciously deranged ... Uggs to Ed Hardy ... Lanvin to Lamboutin ...  Pauly D to porno-chic ... geriatric groovers ... cacophony of conflicting trends ... maniacal 'must-have' musings ... tattooed ... tarted-up trolls and trollops ... Botox or Balenciaga"

THE WAY THINGS USED TO BE:

Respectable women dressed like the queen, intelligent women dressed like Iris Murdoch, and sassy or common women dressed like my mum/Lana Turner.

THE WAY THINGS ARE NOW:

Mrs. O, despite being a Harvard Law graduate and Christ knows what else, is subjected to the same fashion-police/red-carpet reviews as a cheesy third-string actress.

BEAUTY TREATMENTS HAVE GOTTEN BAD, TOO:

While in the past a gal was happy to dollop a mitt-full of Ponds Cold Cream onto her face and call it a day, she now stops at nothing in her quest to look like a 17-year-old stripper. These days, beauty hounds are talking lipo, skin peels, anal bleaching, fake boobs, vaginal rejuvenation ... and that's just the men!

LINGUISTIC ACCOMPLISHMENT OF THE ARTICLE: Managing to get "'ere long," "henceforth," and "WTF" on the same page

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Heather Horn