Fitting of the Top Three elimination night, exactly three things happened on American Idol last night. Let's discuss them and then go about the rest of our days, content in the knowledge that we have almost made it to the end of this life-changing journey.
Well, OK, technically more than three things happened. Yes, Rita Wilson was there to say things about Donna Summer while Jimmy Iodine got his leg caught in a chair or something. Did you see him struggling to get his foot out of something and then he couldn't so he just stood there awkwardly with one knee bent, holding onto his chair for support? It was very funny and very human, a nice reminder that even the musical Worm King himself can get his parts tangled in something and almost fall down. So that did happen. And there was another Ford Music Video that Phil Phillips did not participate in because he was busy "cleaning J.Lo's pool" or whatever excuse they came up with this week, but that's nothing new. Really three things happened. So let's talk about those.
1. Lisa Marie Presley performed. No, no, you're not wrong. It is 2012. We have not traveled back to the mid 1990s when Lisa Marie Presley was married to Michael Jackson and her having some sort of viable music career was an actual thing. No, it is still 2012 and yet for some reason Lisa Marie Presley came out and performed on one of television's biggest shows and all she did was issue a low mumble into the microphone while the audience, made up of children born after Lisa Marie and Michael got divorced, pretended to know who she was by clapping wanly and even issuing a few "Whoos" and other such noises of celebration. It was a supremely random event, this Lisa Marie Presley performance, it's almost as if she is able to pull some strings in musictown because of some sort of family connection. It is almost like that! But I'm sure it is not that. It just couldn't be that. Whatever it was, though, however this curious event was wrestled into existence, it was a thing that happened on American Idol once and there is no changing that. We are all different for it.
2. ADAM LAMBERT! Yes, the one and only Gay Frankenstein graced the Idol stage with a lurching, black-lit performance that made me miss him so much. Just so, so much. Remember the gory, glittery days of Adam Lambert and Kris Allen, duking it out like two Dynasty stars in a fountain? Those days were so much more exciting, it was just a better time to be alive. Now we're stuck with all this boring stuff, but back then... Oh, back then. So yeah, Adam came out and sang a song and I don't really remember what the song was but it was a song nonetheless and he looked very terrifying up there in the black light, his trademark skinsuit radiating a strange dark glow, his hair a greased pompadour thick as a Russian's beard. Eventually they turned on the regular lights and it was just Adam Lambert, but that's fine. I'll take any old Adam Lambert over this whole chicken coop of "contestants" they've got bouncing around this season. They probably should have ended the show after the great glorious Lambert/Allen season. We didn't know how good we had it when we had it but we do now. Nothing could ever top Adam Lambert, unless it's a special occasion. Ha, just kidding. We know how Adam do.
3. Joshua Ledet wailed one final note and then scuttled off in his turtle shell to go live in a pond. Yes, our screamin' church boy was given the ol' heave-ho last night, as was expected. I suppose there was a chance that Phil could have gone home for singing two boring songs out of three, kind of like Colton went home for singing boring songs, but Phil's third song was so good, so romantical that I think anything bad he did before it just didn't goddarn count. Everyone fell back in love with Phillip Phillips last night, which means that Joshua was left out in the cold. But don't worry, Josh! You still did so well! And I cannot wait to see you in The Fantasia Story or whatever biopic you choose to star in. Oddly Joshua chose to sing "It's a Man's World" as his goodbye song, odd given that he was singing to a bunch of teenage girls who had just voted him off. Is it a man's world, Joshua? Or is it a teen girls' world of whims and frothy pheromone urges? Whatever world it is, Joshua no longer lives in it, so it does not matter. Are we sad to see him go? Sure, sure, it's sad. Josh vs. Phil certainly would have been a more interesting finale than Jessica vs. Phil. Joshua probably could have done some big wind-up gospel number next week and we'd all be shivering and shuddering like Jell-O, but instead we'll have Phil cough up some hair and gravel and then Jessica will come out and shatter all our fine crystal. Sigh. Would that we could clap our hands, make time groan and whir and travel back, and orchestrate a Colton v. Skylar finale. Now that would be good. Well, hahahaha, no mercy no it would not be good, but it would be better. It would certainly be better.
And that's the episode, friends. No more, no less. One week to go until we are free! Until the concert kids can begin their Mother Courage-esque journey through the wartorn lands of this, our America. Until Jimmy can finally get someone to come help him untangle himself from this chair. Until Ryan and Tim, the happy reunited pair, can take the hot air balloon trip they'd been talking about before any of this happened. Which Tim didn't remember, for some reason, Ryan had to remind him about it, but now Tim seems excited. Tim who's forgotten where things are in the cupboards, who asked for the car keys, seemingly not remembering that he doesn't drive. Ryan chalks it up to the trauma of his strange ordeal, which Tim won't, or more accurately can't talk about, figures that's all it is. So everything's fine. And everything will soon be better. Right? You'll see. That's how the world works. Everything gets better when you really need it to.