Today in celebrity gossip: The bonny prince of Alaska has taken a bride, some celebrities are tweeting about Hurricane Sandy, and the Kardashians might be name thieves.
Ding dong, bing bong, bing bong, ding dong. That's both the sound of wedding bells and the refrain that plays in Alaskan oaf Levi Johnston's head at all times. Especially this weekend, when he married his girlfriend Sunny Oglesby in what was likely a fabulous and festive ceremony. Yes, Johnston, father of the baby Tripp Palin and also the baby Breeze Beretta, has, at 22, taken a wife. Oglesby is a teacher, which is a nice step up from Bristol Palin, daughter of Sarah, who only makes a crude "X" when asked to sign her name on Dancing With the Stars contracts. Maybe Oglesby can one day teach Johnston his numbers. Though, let's not go calling Oglesby a wise old owl just yet. TMZ has a copy of the wedding invitation and there is a word called "Famalies" on it as well as the phrase "as we join marriage." Join marriage with what?? And how? With glue? It's unclear. So that wedding invitation is pretty exciting, as is this quote from Johnston about Oglesby and their daughter Breeze Beretta: "There was a time we went to the cabin and forgot the birth control pills, and a month later we found out we were having a baby." Which... Uh. "Forgot the birth control pills"? What does that mean, in that context, exactly? This sounds a bit like Rush Limbaugh thinking that the more birth control pills you take the more not-pregnanter you get. It's not like a girl takes a birth control pill before she has sex and then doesn't get pregnant. It's not an ingestible condom, ya dummy. So just say you didn't want to wear a condom when you were up in the cabin that one time and oh well. Also it's sort of OK to be like "Ooops, we made a mistake" about the first unwanted teen pregnancy, but the second one is totally on you, guys. I mean come on. [Us Weekly; TMZ]
Scared about big bad Hurricane Sandy currently making her windy way to these eastern shores of ours? Well fear no longer, because celebrity tweets are here to calm you down. I mean, don't you feel better knowing that both Kim and Khloe Kardashian are praying for you? Because they are. Twitter said so. And really you shouldn't be freaking out anyway, because Lindsay Lohan says you shouldn't: "WHY is everyone in SUCH a panic about hurricane (i'm calling it Sally)..? Stop projecting negativity! Think positive and pray for peace" Oh OK, thanks Linds. That helps. Also you can't just call it Sally. Its name is Sandy. You don't get to call it Sally just because you want to. That's not how it works. That's not how the world works. Anyway. Other celebrities are tweeting about the hurricane too, so you should probably check them out. This is important stuff here, you guys. Big, important stuff. [Us Weekly]
Speaking of those Kardashian sisters, all three dopes — Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney — have started a cheapo makeup line called Khroma Beauty and now some guy who owns a high-end makeup line called Chroma Makeup is, rightly, trying to get them to change the name. Because, come on. The guy's store is in Beverly Hills. We're to believe that these three dodos just randomly came up with "Khroma" having never seen the store? No, not bloody likely. If you believe that, then I've got a bridge to sell you. (Oh, wait, no never mind, it's under water.) So now these animate doilies are selling some cheap face-scouring makeup at discount pharmacies and the like and this guy's brand is going to be negatively affected and, probably, there's not much he can do about it because they are the Sisters K and they do what they want. We are powerless in their path, my friends. They will soon take over the world, coming at us from the west as the seas rise and swallow us from the east. And we might as well get used to it. [TMZ]
Remember when Katie Holmes took the subway? Well, she did. And now Page Six is running a huge exclusive story that at the subway stop where she was seen, the 23rd street A/C/E stop, there are posters for Scientology. Yupppp. No one, like, saw Katie Holmes looking at the posters, they weren't even up when she took the storied subway ride (it was all of one stop, she's not exactly Charlie on the MTA), but, y'know, she was there once. And now there are Scientology posters there. This is what we call in the biz "a reach." Because it's Sandytime and everyone is all hurricane tweeting and there is no real gossip, Page Six has decided to say "Chelsea spies tell us that at the very same station where Katie hopped the E train, a series of posters has gone up advertising Cruise’s favorite religion." Ohhh Chelsea spies?? What amazing spies, to see something on a wall in a public space and tell you about it. Thrilling! Look, I don't blame Page Six for trying to drum up a little excitement about celebrities on this weather-cursed day, but c'mon. That's a bit much. There's too far and then there's too far. And this cooked-up silliness is the latter. [Page Six]
Speaking of Tom Cruise, a drunk neighbor was chased and tasered on the star's Beverly Hills property after he was spotted trying to climb Cruise's fence. The guy was apparently disoriented from drink and maybe didn't know whose property he was on. So he got tased for it. Which, hm, seems a likely story. When they questioned the man, a skinny little thing named Riley Von Twinkington, he told police "Oh, yeah, I'm, uh, a neighbor, and I'm sooo drunk, ooOOooOoo look how drunk I am, that's what happened, I live near here, I wasn't fleeing Tom's house in the still of the night like some sort of secret liaison, no sir, no sir officer, I'm totes wasted." The police were apparently pretty understanding, nodding and saying "Mmhm, yup. We get lots of these drunk neighbors on Mr. Cruise's property. Same as at the Travolta place. It's just what happens when you're famous I guess. Just what happens." [TMZ]
Oh god, I was supposed to say "Speaking of the Kardashians..." up there because here are some photos of Scott Disick, who is dating one of the sisters and has children with her, at the Las Vegas version of 1Oak, dressed as Patrick Bateman because he was hosting an American Psycho-themed Halloween party because he is a basic dope, throwing dollar bills at people from the VIP section. Seriously. Because Scott Disick wants to feel like a bigshot, and the '80s Wall Street costume really helps him feel like one even though he'd never admit that because it's supposed to just be a silly costume, he's throwing money at people like a big shot would, I guess. So here's a guy my age playing dress up and trying really hard to be cool. You have children, sir. And yet you're the one playing at a children's game. It's shameful. That's really all it is. It's shameful. That's all I have to say about that. [Daily Mail]
Let's end this thoroughly depressing gossip roundup with the news that Justin Timberlake claims that when he sang Jessica Biel down the aisle at their wedding — this is a thing he did, he sang an original composition to her as she walked down the aisle — "Grown men were weeping" because of how beautiful it was. Which... Oh, OK, um, cool compliment of yourself, Justin. Nice job on that one. He then tried to, like, retroactively humblebrag that business by saying "Hopefully it's because I didn't sound bad." Which doesn't really make sense, he should have said "Hopefully it wasn't because I sounded bad," but you get where he's going with that. "Yeah I sang a song at quite possibly the cheesiest most self-serving moment I could have sang a song and grown men wept it was so beautiful." Aha. Good for you. Then everyone went and laughed at homeless people and more grown men wept. From laughter! Except the grown men who were weeping because they are homeless. [Us Weekly]