AUTHOR: Boris Johnson in The Telegraph, holding forth on the British election

LENGTH: 1,056 words

WORDS OF WARMUP NEEDED BEFORE HE LETS LOOSE: 545

TARGET: Nick Clegg and the Liberal Democrats

SOME HELLENIC ALLITERATION TO GET GOING: "they are not so much two-faced as positively polycephalous"

WHY BRITISH POLITICIAN VINCE CABLE IS NOT A 'SEMI-HOLY MAHATMA GANDHI OF BRITISH POLITICS': "Actually his most notable recommendation before the crisis was that Britain should join the euro--a move that would gravely have worsened our current position by leaving us in a Greek-style straitjacket."

YOUR MEALS, AS METAPHORS: "What crouton of substance did Clegg offer last Thursday, in the opaque minestrone of waffle?"

GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESS--THE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS, DEFINED: "They are a bunch of euro-loving road-hump fetishists who are attempting like some defective vacuum cleaner to suck and blow at the same time"

PARTING SIMILE: "The Lib Dems are everywhere today, like the orange spores of an exploded puffball."

CHALLENGE WE OFFER FOR BORIS JOHNSON: Having managed to work "Greek-style straitjacket," crouton, minestrone, "euro-loving road-hump fetishists," "orange spores," and puffball into a single opinion piece, to attempt to work them into a single sentence

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Heather Horn