LENGTH: 912 words
DESPERATELY PROVOCATIVE HEADLINE: "Fuck Charity"
CLARIFICATION: Charity is generally about the feeling we get from it, not its actual effect
MOMENT OF REVELATION: Getting shut out of a Christmas volunteer event due to a surfeit of volunteers
RISKS OF CHARITY: Getting attacked by the homeless
EXPLANATION: "We'd like to think of the homeless as average Joes down on their luck but the vast majority of them are average Joes completely out of their fucking minds"
WHAT BOUNCERS KNOW THAT YOU DON'T: "You never know how a bum is going to react"--that's why bouncers carry tasers
A POINT ABOUT CANCER AWARENESS: "Let's face it, you'd have to be dead not to know about cancer at this point"
A POINT ABOUT COLLEGE FUNDS FOR THE UNDERPRIVILEGED: "If a kid wins a private scholarship at Manhattan's Baruch College for example, he’s looking at about $4,000 for tuition and then $4,000 in Financial Aid. That’s $4k profit. Kids are now being paid to go to school."
WHY THAT'S NOT OKAY: "What is this, England?"
THE LAST WORD:
I'm sure there are some great New York charities. I always hear about them. While interviewing Susan Sarandon, I learned she is a huge proponent of City Harvest, a group that takes excess food from restaurants and donates it to New York City’s homeless. That sounds like a great idea. There’s also New York Cares, which donates coats to the homeless. We performed at abenefit for them that raised over $10,000. I never looked into where the money went. Neither would you. We don’t care THAT much. So, if you’re not doing the math or looking into where you’re money’s going, let’s just call a spade a spade and admit you’re going to the Bowery Mission to feel good about yourself. Actually, try to be a little more cautious about what colloquialisms you use. You don’t want to get stabbed.