Screed

Russian: 'Like a Guy Trying to Eat His Teeth'

Heather Horn 172 Views May 20, 2010
AUTHOR: Gavin McInnes at Taki's Magazine

LENGTH
: 1,465 words

OBJECTIVE
: To evaluate the languages of the world

ON TAIWANESE
: It is "typical of the languages we refuse to care about." See "the word they chose for cat: 'Meow.'"

DERIVED PRINCIPLE
: "Call me a Western chauvinist but if your naming animals after the sounds they make, you're not really cut out for the modern world."

HAVING THUS DISPATCHED TAIWANESE, ON TO KOREAN
: "When your language requires a paintbrush to spell out, it may be time for an upgrade."

ON CANTONESE
: "Can you imagine being nagged in this language? It sounds like a turkey being strangled to death"

ON RUSSIAN: "No wonder Russians don’t have stand-up comedy. That language sounds like a guy trying to eat his teeth. The fact that Russia has some of the greatest writers in the world using such an ugly language is a testament to how horrible it is to be outside in Russia."

ON URDU: "Basically a party in your mouth where everyone is invited. It sounds like a chili bubbling over a xylophone and it’s so fun to speak, I'm surprised there aren’t more Indian rappers. If a 'Piari Larki' (pretty girl) asks 'Que ‘hall chelle, yar?' (how’s it going, dude?) you can tell her everything is 'Teek tok' (cool). Was this language invented by potheads?"

ON PORTUGUESE
: "The most hideous language in all of Europe. Including it in the Romance Languages is like calling rape romantic."

THE BEST LANGUAGE IN THE WORLD
: Italian

LINGERING QUESTION
: Why does French, the language of love, not distinguish between "love" and "like" in "je t'aime"? "This is a pretty huge distinction in the world of courting and it's something we need to know."

Want to add to this story? Let us know in comments or send an email to the author at hhorn at theatlantic dot com. You can share ideas for stories on the Open Wire.

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