AUTHOR: Colin Nissan
489 ironic, obscenity-laced wordsPRETEXT:
Ringing in seasonal good-tidings with an ode to autumn traditions such
as arranging gourd bouquets, carving pumpkins, aping scarecrows and
reenacting an episode of "Diff'rent Strokes"ACTUAL MISSION:
"To get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table."
GUIDE TO CREATING A PROPER GOURD:
First, dust off your horn-shaped
wicker basket, "jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked
vegetables" then "throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all
haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through"
DESIRED RESPONSE TO PROPER GOURDING:
"When my guests come over it's
gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables,
assholes. Guess what season it is--fucking fall. There's a nip in the
air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash."
Creating a gourd necklace. If people ask if the heavy
necklace is hurting your neck, reply "It's fall, fuckfaces. You're
either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you're not." Make sure
to thread another gourd onto the necklace.
'SHOUT-OUT TO OUR
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, what "I'm going to do is
carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower"
BECAUSE IT'S FALL:
"For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel
shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the
middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land
on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to
[Editor's note: the gourd piece originally ran in McSweenys in 2009, but like the changing seasons, we like to think it'll never get old. We think.]
Want to add to this story? Let us know in comments
or send an email to the author at
ehayden at nationaljournal dot com.
You can share ideas for stories on the Open Wire.