THESIS: Obama is not so great
WORDS DEVOTED TO SAID PREMISE: 751
WHAT BARACK OBAMA PROMISED: "Rainbows and puppies"
WHAT BARACK OBAMA DID: "Failed to deliver"
WHICH MAKES HIM LIKE: Pizza Hut "during a blizzard"
WHAT BARACK OBAMA RESEMBLES, ASIDE FROM PIZZA HUT: Michael Douglas in the 1993 film Falling Down
UNRELATED--DRINK OF CHOICE FOR LIBERAL INTERNS: Diet Snapple
WHY OBAMA'S CANDIDATE ENDORSEMENTS ARE MORE LIKE KISSING YOUR SISTER THAN KISSING DEATH:
No, they aren't the kiss of death, but they certainly aren't the kiss of life either. They're more like a kiss from your sister. They add little to no excitement while inviting many unwanted questions.
ANALOGY FOR THE MASSACHUSETTS SPECIAL ELECTION:
In political terms, it was a bit like holding a papal election and having the pontiff's seat (or cathedra, for you sticklers) go to the head counselor of the Unitarian Church (or whatever they call their Pope-equivalent).
OBAMA IS A STRONG HUGGER: "He hugged Florida governor Charlie Crist so hard he squeezed him right out of the Republican party."
OBAMA IS MARY POPPINS: He's "just so awesome that what would be political losses for lesser mortals must be more winning proof of his supercalifragilisticexpialidociousness."
JONAH GOLDBERG EXPLAINS POLITICS TO THE UNINITIATED: Rep. Jack Murtha in Pennsylvania "remains a hero for getting the entire district strung-out on high-grade pork (not the oink-oink kind)"
EDITORIAL QUESTION FROM WIRE STAFF: How exactly would you get strung-out on "oink-oink" pork? Smoke? Or sniff? "Snorting pork" sounds good.